Words have always been my strong suite, but there are times when, instead, I end up sitting here staring at the screen for hours – with a box of tissues on my right and a bucket of those stupidly addicting Reese’s Peanut Butter smartie things on my left. My head throbs and my heart aches and my mascara is running down my face. I can’t make a sound and I’ve probably now gained a pound. UGH.
Nearly eight years ago, when my last half-assed real relationship ended (and thankfully so), I had to face the realization that I set aside all the things that had made me happy as an individual. I had based my level of happiness solely on another human and completely forgot who I was in the process. Though, being single for the better part of my life and being somewhat of a heavy introvert (despite what most think), I was pretty sure I had a pretty solid understanding of who I was… for most of my life anyway. I’ve definitely wandered down a few dark paths and made some terrible choices and will probably make many more, but in the end, I always manage to find a way back to my self. I’m like a goddamn phoenix.
I have always been impartial to serial dating – some people have an incredible fear of being alone, and I get that. But, at the same time, I don’t believe in filling space (insert adult joke here) just for the sake of it. I think that a decent length of alone time is necessary, because, quite frankly – if you can’t be with yourself, why would anyone else want to be, either?
But… now that it has been nearly a decade… I’ll be honest, it’s starting to wear on me.
It’s getting pretty lonely. As much as I do love my personal space and hanging out with myself – there comes a time when you start to wonder – will anyone else, too? Is there something wrong with me? Is it so wrong to want affection once in a while? And I’m not talking about just any joe-blow – I mean true affection from someone whom you have a mental, physical and spiritual connection with… one that is felt by both parties.
There was a time in my life when I was heavily driven by egomaniacal ways. For me, it was a way to garner attention that I’ve never really had. A coping mechanism to the emptiness I felt inside. But, after some hefty lessons to learn that came with a lot of personal transformation, I decided to that the only real way to stop receiving what I don’t want, was to no longer focus on it. It was time to focus on ME, and not what my ego wanted me to be.
I decided to pay respects to the love in my life that I do have, and that I have been incredibly blessed with. And with that, came a few opportunities to open my heart just a little bit more, despite some long lasting resistance on my part. But, sometimes you see the ‘sunshine’ just a little bit differently, and decide that maybe it’s time to let a little light in.
Yet… despite changing my game, most things have remained the same.
And I am tired of it. I am all for the personal journey, but some good company now and then would be excellent. Because quite frankly, I am a damn good cook and dining for one is starting to get old.
It’s time to let the Universe know exactly what’s up.
(This is where I do all that “I AM” stuff they teach you in spirit school)
(This may sound corny, but I do not care. IMHO if you don’t at least ask, you’ll never receive)
I am a good person. I am worthy of affection. I am a good communicator of my feelings, and want the same. I am the kind of girl that appreciates the small acts of kindness, and I am the kind of person that doesn’t think twice about handing them out. I am the kind of person that will leave a happy note hidden for you to find when you need it most. I am not needy and I enjoy my space. But, I am also human and crave to feel companionship at the right times. I don’t want to be someone’s entire life, but I do want to feel significance. I don’t want to be the in between girl anymore (Seriously, enough with that). I will put my foot down and stand my ground when I need to, but I will also travel the distance for those I hold dear. I am in my prime and want to feel desired. I want to feel more than my own heartbeat once in a while. I wish to attract those who are as excited in my presence as I am theirs. I appreciate all that I have and deserve to be appreciated just as well. I am deserving of a partner who wants to explore my body, mind and soul just as much as I do theirs. I am deserving of someone whose energy, outlook and passion is a match for mine. I am an old romantic at heart. I am deserving of someone charming, intelligent, self-aware and adventurous. I am deserving of a fricking great individual! Oh, and a healthy libido would be great, too. I am ready!
Thanks in advance,
(PS… if you could make it a Ryan Gossling Notebook-esque look-a-like, that would be stellar… but we can negotiate on that)