I think we all have this inherent sadness that permeates us at one point or another in life.
It’s a lot like sleeping in a room with a mosquito. It comes out of nowhere when you least expect it. Perhaps it’s been there for a while, or perhaps it was brought about when a door was opened and another closed. (This is all a metaphor for deeper meanings of life, btw). Either way, you think you’ve squashed it, and just as you are about to find that inner peace again and drift off into a happy place… it creeps up on you and you end up punching yourself in the face a few times.
And it just doesn’t seem to piss off. And now you have a black eye. Maybe a nose bleed if you’re one of those rambunctious types.
On my 27th birthday, I was the same age as my (lovely) Mother when she gave birth to me. That didn’t bother me so much, but now having surpassed my 31st birthday, I have also passed my (also lovely) Father’s age. It sent me into a bit of a head spin, more than usual.
Now, I am not someone that has ever really had that urge to make babies. Although, judging by the size of my child-baring hips and my overzealous libido – my body and my hormones are indicating otherwise. However, mentally and emotionally, I can’t get there and it’s never really been high on my list of ‘To Dos’… if, at all. I have a big respect for anyone that does raise children, but I also feel that there are many meaningful things one can do with their life that will leave footprints on generations to come. And, well, to be honest – I have trouble keeping plants alive. Cactus, even.
I feel somewhat bad, at times, because I am not so sure my folks will ever experience the joy of being grandparents.
However, my biological clock is still a ticking time bomb.
It began to start roughly around age 27, where that life sucking pest began to creep up on me… finding its way in, when a window to my soul that I didn’t know about was opened over a synchronistic conversation in a quaint little coffee shop. That emptiness, that sadness, that constant buzzing around my head asking me what I am doing with my life came flying in. That feeling, that longing – for something.
That desire to carry out my true purpose in this twisted world.
I am entering my prime – and some days I feel like I am running out of time to do whatever it is that I am on this earth to do. Only problem is, I have no idea WHAT it is. I know that sounds ridiculous, being that I am still a very young cougar, but let’s be honest – none of us know when our expiry date is.
As the not so subtle pressures of society to couple up, load up on debt and accumulate things mounts, I’ve chosen to go off the beaten path and do things differently. It was just a few months ago that I decided I couldn’t hack the status quo. I couldn’t handle being a monkey in a cage, reaching for a proverbial banana. I left the corporate world, to make some life changes, which, let’s just say, haven’t been going too terribly smoothly. I don’t think it is supposed to be easy – but I don’t know which is more difficult – the nagging stress of routine, or the frantic stress of wondering how you are going to pay your bills… all the while knowing that knowing that in either situation, you are not doing what you are meant to do. If there’s a panic button, I’m double fisting it.
Suffice to say, patience is not one of my virtues.
All I know is that I long to see the world, to travel, make a difference in some facet, and to experience unconditional love with another human being – and not the kind that I feel for my family and friends - I’m talking about the kind that you can take between the bedsheets (wink, wink). Most of my life has been spent embarking on a solo journey which I wouldn’t have traded for anything… but, as a result, my romantic life has been 50 Shades of Greyish for the most part…. While there is nothing wrong with that… quite frankly, at this particular juncture, I am ready for 50 Shades of a goddam rainbow. Magic. Excitement. I believe it exists… somewhere.
Some days, I often wonder if I will really find what I am looking for – whatever it is. Sometimes, the fear that I wont, overcomes the idea that anything can happen, that possibilities are endless.
That fear is a paralyzing one.
That’s when the old adage pops into my head, “it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.”
And then sometimes, it’s like, “F*** you, Wisdom… there are some parts of the journey that really stink.”
It’s not because there aren’t a million things to be grateful for (which, trust me, I take inventory of daily).
It’s because the desire to do what you are truly meant to do, overcomes the desire to be doing what you are doing at this very moment – and what you are doing at this very moment, doesn’t always feel right. Sometimes you end up doing what doesn’t feel in alignment with your true self for a lot longer than you thought, and you start to lose hope that you will ever find that thing that makes your heart and soul sing.
That feeling of being lost leads to little motivation, which leads to depression, which leads to poor choices – which leads to… well, a shit storm of the blahs. When we get trapped in that mind frame… it’s hard to see the good in anything we have. When we feel like we are stuck in a perpetual state of suck, it gets harder to remember that everything is impermanent.
Getting up isn’t easy, but it CAN be done… even if you are like me, completely and utterly directionally challenged. I don’t know which way ‘up’ is… but I do know it exists.
How do you get there? Who knows. I’m still trying to figure it out myself. Changing your thought pattern is one thing, well, probably the biggest thing. (Easier said than done). Truthfully there’s no one size fits all answer that works for everyone.
I do, however, find that the key thing to remember is that we are all a little bit lost. Every now and then I talk to people that I think have it totally together, only to hear of this buried, dull sadness that lies silently within…. a craving… a deep rooted longing to find their own personal truth.
I tend to find comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this mystical quest for more – even though, there are times it feels like you are always alone. Sometimes it feels like every one else is getting on with their life and you are the only one floating down shit creek. As powerful as these thoughts are, they are simply not true. There are some days I wonder what the point is and if the entire journey is worth it. Some days are harder to others to get out of bed when you don’t know what it is that is driving you. But…
You still have to do it. Get up. That, or lay silently and let that annoying mosquito keep biting. Maybe that’s the beauty of it all… is that the unpleasant feelings require action. Sometimes sleeping with a mosquito is necessary. Nothing changes if you don’t move.
While I hope to offer support to anyone out there feeling lost in life, the selfish part of me hopes that writing this out might work as some kind of reverse psychology to listen to my own words. That, and I know that when I am feeling down and out, it’s sometimes random messages and even more random people that cross my path and deliver the exact kind of message I needed to hear out of the blue. Those kinds of moments help to see that we are all connected beyond the walls we put up. Maybe these will do that for you.
I guess what I am trying to say is this…
Cherish the good moments – even if they are few and far between.
Embrace the crap – it’s there to offer a lesson, as shitty as it seems to be.
Remember, we are all just wandering this earth together. Yes, we are born alone and die alone – in the meantime… reach out, connect. Be kind to each other… everyone is fighting their own silent battle.